The Director’s Half-Cut

The Director’s Half-Cut

‘Get hip to cin-enema-tainment!’ This was intended to be a monthly club night to celebrate all that is good about the cinema. There was music, performed extracts from theatre, TV shows and films, short films and cabaret. I compered, as Hollywood love-child, Otto von...
Seal Haikus

Seal Haikus

Double-take revealsIt’s no diver, but a seal!I leg it to shore. Furtively sleepingSeal in a rubber dinghyYou look so at home. Swimming round Shag RockDo my goggles deceive me?No. Seal caught napping. At a safe distanceMy short-term swimming partner.Seal of approval....
The sea / La Mer

The sea / La Mer

I have always loved the sea and the seaside. I grew up in London and, more often than not, when we were young, a day trip to the beach meant going south to Winchelsea, near Rye in Sussex. The last few miles were magical, going down winding roads between fields of...
The Best Fish Disco In Town

The Best Fish Disco In Town

You never know what to expect in the underworld. Take today. I swim out past the wastelandsWhere the discarded crab shells litter the floor, Like so many abandoned tanks on the roadside Then, Bang! I’m into a victory tickertape fish paradeShiney slithers spin and...
Terry Allgold

Terry Allgold

This is the first and only show I’ve ever done in French. The character was based on an old TV ad for Terry’s Allgold chocolates featuring a Frenchman. It was a one-man show, where champion name-dropper and actor Terry spilt the haricots on his rollercoaster ride of a...
Dive-In Movies

Dive-In Movies

When I lived in London, I was a member of The South London Swimming Club at The Tooting Bec lido, where I swam regularly – but not quite all year round! 2006 was the centenary year of this fantastic, iconic olympic-sized pool. I was on the events committee and helped...
Anne In Spectacles

Anne In Spectacles

‘Can I get you a cup of tea?’ ‘Thank you, dear.’ Mrs Anne Fitzgerald, widow, 76, of Norbury, south London, sat upright in her chair in the interview room, facing across the table from staff sergeant PC Duncan Meadows, married, 45, of Sutton. Although she had insisted...
Between A Clock And A Cheesecake

Between A Clock And A Cheesecake

Shortly after daybreak, I notice the eighties clock on the wall. It’s not much to look at – a dirty, cream near-square covered in clear plastic. The way it divides into compartments reminds me of an airline meals tray. The main course is the clock itself; the hands...